Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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