ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
