Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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