sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
