If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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