I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
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I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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