I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
