We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
