We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
