I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
