totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
