dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
