So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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