he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
