my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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