Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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