Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
