My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
A+ Viking dick
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
