On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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