I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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