In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
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After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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