Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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