Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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