I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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