i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I woke up under a house in Key West
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
