I think i peed on brittanys purse
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
