Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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