Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
