News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
