Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
