if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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