Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
