There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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