my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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