Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
