I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
