in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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