ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
