bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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