My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I believe in your delicious
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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