He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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