my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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