News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
