saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
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I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
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WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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