Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
