you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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