I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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