I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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