I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
