I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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