The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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