Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just tell him i said nine months
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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