just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
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I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
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I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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