You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
