once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
