Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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