wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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