Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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