he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
